like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
