We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
