Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
