I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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