I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you had me at cake vodka
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
