I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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