Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
