At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
