I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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