I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
only if we run a train.
done.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize