I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
