I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
