Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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