I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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