I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
