fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
