Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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