i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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