My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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