you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
