There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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