Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
