Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
