every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
