Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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