remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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