Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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