my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Randomize
