It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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