I think my vagina is haunted
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it because I queefed?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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