I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
