Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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