Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
