i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
