Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
