she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
