I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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