I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
