I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Randomize
