Your face is a jimmy john
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
