Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
