i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
