u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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