I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
