Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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