party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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