Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
