new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
