I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
