got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
