so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
