you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize