I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
