insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
