She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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