I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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