Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
