So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
