He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
