Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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