FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
