how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
