Just cropdusted the office
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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