just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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