I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
