I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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