I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
